she's writing a novel

a lot of her writing tends to be tongue-in-cheek. this is because she grew up in an evangelical tradition which was more concerned about where else she might be putting her tongue.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Urban Hipsters Everywhere Envy Me

On my legs I'm sporting, like, the most retro-cool rash ever. I have POISON IVY! I mean, how summer-camp-circa-1980s is THAT? I know, you totally wish you could share in my throw-back suffering.

Viva La Insistence!

Part I.
On Monday night the Russian lover and I wandered around Center City, trying to decide where to eat for dinner. On the street we bumped into our usual waiter from the Creperie Cafe, the place we have brunch almost every Sunday. The cafe is stereotypically French, and so is the waiter.

He was out with a friend of his - also French. They were very trashed and very happy to see us. They insisted we accompany them on their search for an after-binge meal. We knew there was little chance that drunk, insistent Frenchmen would accept our deferral, so we followed them to Monk's (the Belgian beer and mussels joint).

They insisted on a bottle of wine, and when they saw the waitress pour a glass merely a quarter full, they waved her away and told her they would do it themselves. As soon as she was gone, they filled each glass as full as it would go until the bottle was empty.

We drank and they regaled us with stories. The waiter's father owns a beach house on Ibiza, because his father is rich. He quickly clarifies that it is his father who is rich, and not he ("I'm a waiter!" he laments, although he is really a student who waits tables). The downside of this wonderful house is that it is next door to the house owned by Liam Gallagher. Gallagher, they assert, is completely insane and physically violent. Once he walked up to their table in a restaurant and punched their friend in the face, apparently unprovoked. It's too bad about Oasis, they continue - they were brilliant, they did too much drugs, they sputtered out early. And now...instead of being the next Paul McCartney, Liam Gallagher is nothing but a terrible, awful, frightening neighbor of theirs on Ibiza.

They try to light cigarettes, but the waitress tells us that we can't smoke at the tables. We can only smoke in the bar (the bar which is 15 feet away from our table). At this they shrug and put out their lights. They tell us that at least Philadelphia is a little better than New York when it comes to smoking, but it is still hard coming from France where everyone smokes everwhere. There they smoke in the trains, they tell us. And students smoke in class, where the professor smokes while he lectures. They allow that someone ought to draw the line on the actual bongs in class, though.

They continue to put back wine and tell us about their lives and thoughts as French guys in Philadelphia. They want to know where they can find a decent club, and we tell them "New York." They're dissapointed, so they ammend their question and ask where they can go to avoid "JER-zeee BEE-tchis." Jersey Beaches? "No-no-no. BEE-tchis with zee LEE-tle shirts, zee ugly shoes, zee bad hair...all looking like zee same." Ohhh, Jersey Bitches. Hmmm. We rattle off a few places with tolerable crowds. They tell us about the places they spin house music, and we say we’ll stop by. They invite us to their Bastille Day party-- an event for Philadelphia's young French underground, who've banded together in an effort to create a social scene. We promise to come, and satisfied they stagger out into the night.

Part II.
On Tuesday night, the Russian lover and I had a spat. I stormed out of the pub, and went for a fuming walk around the block. I was pissed as hell and stomping down the street in four inch heels and a little black dress, with an expression that dared men to comment on my passing form. Most of them were bright enough to discern that when a woman is clearly upset at one man, chances are high that she’s prepared to take it out on all of them. So I fumed unmolested, until an unperturbed fellow with a pleasant smile stopped me.

He must know who I am! Where I am going! What is my name! Where I will be and can he see me there! Can he call me?! I can barely process what is happening as he walks with me. His name is Sebastian! and he is from Paris! and I am lovely!

He can’t come with me now – he must return the video rentals.

But soon, soon, at 10:30pm tonight, he will call me! Then we will meet! Yes? We meet? He doesn’t relent until I nod and reassure and smile. Then he releases me to go on my way. Strangely weary from the encounter, I decide I have forgiven the Russian.

The operative words for Frenchmen are insistence and persistence. You will never out-insist a Frenchman on anything, and you will never out-persist in fleeing a Frenchman who is persisting in pursuing you.

La Insistence…THIS the French win.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

World Cup Widow

The World Cup is arguably a bigger event than the Olympics. Only one thing generates this level of hoopla the world over, and it's hilarious because most Americans don't even know it's going on. I don't mean that they don't understand the phenomenon - which they don't- but most aren't even aware that it's happening. It's not in the papers or on the TV. Even the openning ceremony and game was relegated to ESPN2, while a mid-season college baseball game played on the sports channel's main venue.

I realized what a big deal it is myself only because I date a foreigner. Otherwise, my days would have gone by untouched by the global frenzy. But now I get text-messaged score updates, and you're-not-going-to-believe-this-play voice mails. I get "make sure to watch some of this match during your workout" email reminders, or I'll be at the pub after work because they have TiVo and we don't. I find myself slowly seduced by the excitement. Soon I'll be (cough-cough) too sick to come in, or have to leave early for "an appointment." An appointment with a $3 pint of stella and Brazil v. Italy.

I must say, though, I'm glad that the games are televised during the day in the US. Otherwise, I would not have seen my lover again until mid-July. And while I may be convinced that sharing him with a cute blonde is a fun idea, I doubt I would feel the same way about sharing him with the pub. On the other hand, I could decide to join in it all myself, and then he'd be sharing me with those unnaturally gorgeous players. Really - it's almost as if there's some kind of sieve that sorts the ugly out of this sport. I don't think we have a single sports league in this country with as many beautiful people as you'll find on one World Cup team.

Perhaps that's part of the attraction, for those of us who would be abandoned by our lovers if we did not willingly become caught up in it ourselves. For them, it's good sport and good times with the boys. For's being in a room full of intense, sweaty men who are shouting at the TV where intense, sweaty men shout and run around a field nonstop.

One man's game is another woman's porn.

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Romans had the right idea throwing Christians to the lions...

...and here is yet another reason I wish they had finished the job.

I am just so damn weary of the crazy Christian conservatives. Their arrogance and their stupidity. And I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that most of them are too dumb to understand their own religion. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that people like myself, who reject said religion, know more about it than 99.9% the people who embrace it.

Whenever I rant about hating religion in general and most Christians in particular, I get a gentle response from any Christians in my company (of either a conservative or a liberal persuasion) that Christianity is about a personal RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. I say, that's lovely. But that (a.) doesn’t leave you off the hook for being a moron and (b.) doesn’t explain why you feel the need to involve the constitution, the White House, the Senate, and the citizens of a secular society in your “personal relationship.” You found Jesus, and now you're going to bully the government into bullying society? This doesn’t sound very personal to me. What are the dictates of your “personal relationship” doing before secular governmental organizations and legislative bodies? I am considerate enough not to fuck my boyfriend on the senate floor – would you please extend this same courtesy and leave the expression of your intimate relationship with God off the floor of the senate as well?